dArKnEsS iS mY lOvE
by darkenedmoonlightflame
Summary: Hints at BanKag. The greatest tragedy is not that we fall in love with someone who won’t love us back, but that we cease to love at all… ONESHOT, TWOSHOT, THREESHOT? BanKag bias eventually.


**o.O.o.O**

**dArKnEsS iS mY lOvE **

**Hints at Bankotsu/Kagome. ONE-SHOT, probably with a sequel.**

**darkenedmoonlightflame**

**Hints at Ban/Kag. The greatest tragedy is not that we fall in love with someone who won't love us back, but that we cease to love at all… ONE-SHOT, sequel?**

(A/N: This is another experimental ONE-SHOT. So, I'll save the blah for the end, not much to say. Other than it hints at Ban/Kag, will probably have a sequel, is made to be fairly sad (I dunno how successful that'll be), and… crud, I forgot what I was gonna say. So yea… just read and comment, please.)

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**dArKnEsS iS mY lOvE**

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I feel.

No.

I can't feel.

Not anymore. No.

Not now, not ever. Or so it seems.

It was him. He did this to me.

I live in a never-ending state of perpetual stillness, ceasing to exist, ceasing to feel. Cold marble. Useless and unable to understand. I've lost my way. Entirely. I've forgotten what it is like to have emotions.

I've forgotten how to smile.

How to laugh.

How to scream.

How to cry.

Because of this I float around, drowning among everything and anything.

There was a time. Long ago. Long, long, long ago. So far, far away…

I could feel, communicate, have energy, cry, feel it when he stomped on my feelings.

Now I could care less if he ripped out my heart. Threw it in the dirt. Shattered its delicate composition. Art lost. I mourn. Or wish I could.

He has already done that.

So long, long ago.

I don't really care.

'That almost hurts,' I should say. 'Almost.' But I never do. It lies in my throat, curled up like a sleeping demon. Tread carefully. Hai. I should tell him that too.

I think I'm near snapping point.

Maybe I'm going insane.

Losing my sanity.

Perhaps, perhaps.

You can't tell anymore. I can't tell. He can't tell.

Good.

Why?

Why can't I care?

Why can't I bring myself to terms, pull myself together, pick up the pieces? Who will help me? No one.

They don't care anymore.

I'm not useful. A waste of time. Black hole. Empty inside. So cold.

I loved him.

I think I still do. But I can't know for sure. It hurts. So much, I had shut it off. Just make it stop.

I'm as good as dead to them.

So I walk. Walk, walk. Endless. To the end of the world if I can. 'I'm dying inside,' I want to scream, 'WHY CAN'T I CARE!' But I don't. It's all locked away.

So I keep walking.

Far, far, endless, endless… I see faces I used to know. They wave. I don't wave back. They don't know me. They can't see me…

Naraku. I don't know what has become of him.

How long has it been?

Years, months, weeks? Centuries?

Why.

Why…

Why?

WHY?

What is wrong with me!

I still can gather enough wits to mechanically walk. The soles of my shoes are disintegrating. A kind village woman gives me hers. Fresh pair. Clean slate. More walking to do.

She pities me. I can see it in her eyes.

I hate her for it. I hate the shoes. I hate him. Most of all, I hate myself. For hating everything. Can't I see past that?

'What has become of the soul of our poor miko?' Her brown eyes say. I am losing my senses too. Everything has taken on a dull sheen, lackluster. Like me. I keep having to remind myself to breathe. I only remember when my head swims.

Then I gasp for air, and lapse back into nothingness.

I'm at the verge of death. I think. I can't tell. It's always the same. Die, live, pain, happiness. I think I know how Kanna feels. Maybe not.

At least she's sane. Or is she?

Familiar faces. Sango. Black and crimson… slayer of demons… So long ago.

What's so different now?

Kirara tagging along, lingering.

She looks at me. So sad, her eyes. Brown or black? Hazel? Green maybe? Focus. I've lost the ability.

She turns away, arm in arm with the houshi, Miroku. Robes of violet… Kazaana. Hentai, was it? Is he saved? I can't determine so.

Sango, clenching his robes, fingers entwined, purchases under arms. Saying nothing to him, of course. I don't pursue.

I think I finally felt something.

A sharp, cold pang of intense regret, sorrow.

Him.

I freeze.

I'm sure he's caught my scent. He looks my way, and I can feel a little of my old self. The jealousy, anger, pain. I close it off, closing my eyes tightly.

When I open them, he is gone.

Inuyasha.

My first love.

At this rate, my last too.

I can understand Kikyo now. A little. Wanting to linger…

Wanting to die and end the pain. Magnetic currents, vivid, dancing, pull of alluring attraction.

Love.

I guess I can still feel after all.

Then…

Maybe I'll be okay.

Just not yet.

I ache all over. Enough walking for today, my body says. My restless mind disagrees. I can't trust my mind. So I plop down in a medium branch of a good tree, and close my eyes. Forever, eternity, darkness. Will I die? I always ask myself.

Nah, I'm not that lucky.

…

**o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o**

…

I open them again. I can't stop my mind.

Why?

Why did he love her?

Abandon me?

Did he know what affect this would have on me?

Openly choosing her, destroying me? My mind?

Leaving me here. Like this.

Why?

WHY?

I jump down from my branch, not minding the thick branches and twigs swatting at my dirt-encrusted legs, tearing fresh lines in the skin. For a moment, I forget about my state of mind, fascinated. I stare as the bloodred droplets trickle down, down my once pretty legs. Into the dirt. Stained crimson. I stare for another second, and a small, twisted, unborn smile tugs at my lips as I scramble back up the tree.

I launch myself down, this time jarring my arm on a loose branch. I'd scream.

But I can't.

So I lie there, cringing in my pain, tears brimming on my eyes. Lost for words. Can't ask for help. They don't care…

Don't…

Care…

Pain is blinding me, and at last I can feel the hot tears pour down my cheeks, burning a clean path to the dirt. Stirring timeless dust. One lands on a cut in my leg. I shudder, wincing at the feeling of salt water on my open wounds.

I stay there.

I can't say how long. My eyes have closed, I leave them that way.

Cradling my arm. The tears have dried, streaking my cheeks. The finest ivory color lays underneath. A reminder of me. Of her. I carefully pick up a dried slab of caked mud, and smash it against the ground. It shatters easily. As easily as my heart shattered.

Ironic.

I trace my index finger in the mud, and rub it over the stains.

There.

No one knows me now.

I go back to sitting there, idle, in pain. I clutch at my arm. People stop to stare at me. I glance up. Blankly, glaring. Taking in feeble light. Either is the same to them. They shuffle away. Too quickly for it to be me alone.

Two remain behind, watching.

'Help me,' I want to shout, 'please, anything!'

But all I say is, 'Leave.' Quiet, weighed with sorrow. A burden. Fallen.

I close my eyes. It's all the same to me now. I've decided.

I'll have a second love.

Darkness.

It's tainted my blood. It might as well taint pieces of my heart too.

Now I can say I feel too.

'-not worth it, aniki!' I hear. High, feminine. I begin to stagger to my feet, my fingers curling into a fist as I use my injured arm to get up. I grit my teeth and look at it. It's at a strange angle.

'You forget your place!' The blurry shape shouts. I'm tired. I close my eyes. More darkness…

Beautiful darkness…

'-coming with us!' He hisses in cold fury. I'm limping away, my cuts reopening. '-incredibly strong… considering… conditions… ne?'

'Whatever. Keep it out of my sight.'

I don't see anything, but the next thing I know, I feel a hand on my shoulder. I stop.

'Oi, you could use some help, ne?'

I want to snarl, rip his throat out. 'Just don't touch me,' I want to plead, 'Help yourself.'

I restrain with all my effort.

'Nani?' The word is so sluggish.

'You need help? You look familiar. Here.' An arm snakes around my non-existent stomach, supporting me. Radiating strength. Now I do strike.

I snarl, 'Get away!' and smack away the arm, stumbling. I hit hard. Like a cobra. Venomous. Poisoning my mind.

He recoils, before doing something I can't forgive him for. Laughing. He laughs. 'Sugoi!' He dares laugh in my face. 'You hit hard.'

'Chikuso, just get away.' I snap.

'You heard it. Let's go.' That voice. It grates on my nerves.

'Nah. One sec. He's strong. I can feel it.'

HE? I'm a girl. I guess I'm filthier than I thought.

'You're dead. You can't FEEL.'

'Urusai, Jakotsu.' He turns back to me, dismissing his comrade with a lazy wave of the hand. Like one swatting a fly. 'How would you like to come with us?'

'Iie. Get away.' I hiss, ever the little viper.

'Please? I'm asking? I can give you revenge on the people who did this to ya. Give you a purpose. Pick up the pieces, you know.'

This catches my attention. 'Anou…'

'Focus. You okay? Sugoi, you're thin.'

'H-Hai…'

'Knew you'd see it my way!' A grin slides onto his face. 'So, you up for it?'

I can't help it. Remembering that woman's eyes. Sango. Turning away. Not bothering to inform Miroku. And…

…Inuyasha.

I can't stop the traitorous thoughts from my traitorous mind. It really must be filled with poison.

'Hai.'

This time I don't fight when he helps me to my feet. 'See Jakotsu, we've got ourselves member five of the rekindled Shichinintai!'

Shichinintai. Hmm…

'We'll have fix you up, 'kay? You're pretty beat up, you know!" That boyish grin… The cold chill of lightweight deadly armor…

Oh. That's where I've heard this voice. B-Bankotsu was it? And the other was gay, Jakotsu?

Hai.

For the first time since long, long ago, I smile. A lopsided half-smile.

It doesn't matter to me.

I'm picking up already.

A/N: Well, this will DEFINITELY have a sequel, or continuation, but what do ya think? I'm not going to say much, other than this will eventually be Ban/Kag biased. I'm deciding between a two-shot or three-shot… Hmm. I'll think on it. For now, just please review!

…

**o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o**

** …**

**VoCaB-**

Hai- yes

Miko- Japanese priestess

Houshi- Japanese monk

Kazaana- wind tunnel

Hentai- pervert

Aniki- respectful term for elder brother. formal.

-Ne?- add-on. usually tacked on for emphasis after a question. can be sort of referenced to 'eh?' (EXAMPLE- That Inuyasha sure'll get fat on ramen one day, eh?)

Oi- hey

Nani?- what?

Sugoi!- wow!

Chikuso- damn

Urusai- shut up

Iie- no

Anou- well…/um…/uh…

Shichinintai- Band of Seven

Well, that's all. Hopefully I'll continue soon. So…

**See ya,**

**o.O.o.O darkenedmoonlightflame O.o.O.o **

**And company. My adorably annoying muses.**

**Chapter Finished: 10.21.05 (late night finish.)**

**Post: 10.22.05**

**Spell Check: Yep. **

**Read Over: only once or twice. Not too much, unfortunately. (sigh)**

**Brain Check: Hn. That's not funny 'Kotsu. But then again, it is. (But you're still getting smacked with a… ah… a… set of headphones! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!**


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